Barney said he was matter of fact
about my going
And at the same time he expresses
enormous passion for a lover gone.
My flesh is his -
my love his
and yet he hands me meager portions
of feeling.
I remember when he flooded me
with tremendous feeling
like the tide foaming to the beach
covering my skin on the beach with foam.
Now I'm rationed only morsels
and sometimes, he can turn his back completely
even though I call to him.
Here I am still wet
and remembering the high tide of his love.
Now the tide has rolled away.
It's into another current now.
I can see the current,
but am not part of it.
The pain rips at me
as though attached
by a fierce cat with claws.
If I read him this -
it will not go deep into his ears
but roll off like rain water on walls.
What am I to do?
If I picked up my rags
of emotion and left...
Pushed hard the ores and went
and gradually built a frame
out of my ragged bones.
Someone can still be with you
and yet away.
Pining for an old love
is same as pining for a new love.
His feelings belong to another.
I am alone.
A three year old
running after a stagecoach
disappearing down the road -
Lots of dust between us.
My running and crying after
not doing any good.
So here I am alone,
oh so alone.
I've stepped back,
but lost and abandoned.
People drive by
horns honk.
I am with the pain
in my stomach -
The big knot.
Not being able to dance
out of step even with myself.
Pimples are beginning to grow
like barnacles on an old boat.
My love ignored
eating me alive.
I remember I could have
spent two days with him
in beginning, but decided
to be coy.
Oh God, I wish that was now.
How fast time has changed
the colors of his affection
now to autumn crisp.
Remembering decorations
from a Mexican festival
the day after - so forgotten.